RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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