Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
