i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
