I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
