Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
