Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize