let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
