he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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