no one should ever give us hovercrafts
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize