youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
