i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize