i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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