overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
