My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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