he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
