Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
