alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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