Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
