You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
