i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
