my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How does one acquire holy water?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
