we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
