it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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