this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize