I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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