I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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