are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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