SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
