please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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