She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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