you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
