Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
