Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Even the bartender felt bad for me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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