i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
