I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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