Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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