Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
