i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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