and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
