Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
