What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
