Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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