sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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