Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
