So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
