Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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