I love black thongs
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
