Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
