i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
