I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
