She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
