Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
