Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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