Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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