I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
