so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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