Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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