I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
