I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
