I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
