If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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