ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize