I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
