today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
