I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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