This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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