She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize