Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
